Criticism, because you asked for it! This is actually decent little caption; the technical aspects work well, it's a nice picture, no typos. My only problem is with the narration.
Specifically, the narrator is too clinical. A thing happens and then another thing happens. And then a third thing happens. The story that is provided is skeletal, with only the basic elements of characterization or setting.
Ethan's a lady's man. Okay... what type? Is he looking for another notch on his bed post? Hunting for his next baby's momma? Finally really trying to find the one? Is he there to make some lucky lady find the sweaty gates of paradise? Do Kathy's nails find a new place to scratch amongst a tangled forest of former lovers?
Essentially, clinical writing is fine. But this is entertainment writing. It's not supposed to be short and sweet, or even wham-bam-thank-ya-ma'am. Have your narrator stop and smell the roses, take in the world, or there's no world for us to see. You don't need to write a book, of course; but little details about the characters and their world make all the difference.
Yay! More werewoman caps!
ReplyDeleteCriticism, because you asked for it!
ReplyDeleteThis is actually decent little caption; the technical aspects work well, it's a nice picture, no typos. My only problem is with the narration.
Specifically, the narrator is too clinical. A thing happens and then another thing happens. And then a third thing happens. The story that is provided is skeletal, with only the basic elements of characterization or setting.
Ethan's a lady's man. Okay... what type? Is he looking for another notch on his bed post? Hunting for his next baby's momma? Finally really trying to find the one? Is he there to make some lucky lady find the sweaty gates of paradise? Do Kathy's nails find a new place to scratch amongst a tangled forest of former lovers?
Essentially, clinical writing is fine. But this is entertainment writing. It's not supposed to be short and sweet, or even wham-bam-thank-ya-ma'am. Have your narrator stop and smell the roses, take in the world, or there's no world for us to see. You don't need to write a book, of course; but little details about the characters and their world make all the difference.
I see what you mean. I basically just wanted to keep things simple really and get the general idea and main point of the caption over with.
DeleteThanks for the criticism.